Recently I have thought a lot about conflicting areas of my life. Often times the complexities of my spirit feel off balance and hard to understand. Certain times I feel like a warrior, full of strength, steadiness and power. Other times, It can be minutes, hours or weeks later, and I am in another dimension of feeling scared, shy and full of baggage that is struggling to keep me from fully showing up in the world.
During all of these times, it doesn’t matter if I am full of strength or full of doubt, I can catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and I am instantly grounded into the present moment. I remember in that instant that within my body I encompass a coexistence that includes all parts of myself. I remember, if even for that minute, that these complexities within myself make the entirety of a human being trying to make her way in a world full of mirages.
The conflicting complexities don’t stop with strength versus doubt, albeit that is one that seems to be a commonality between others. Often times I feel perplexed because I long to be a free spirit. I want to roam the world, make friends in foreign countries, drink too much wine and stay up way past my bedtime. Other times I crave structure. I want a world full of rules to follow that make the rest of life make sense. I want to control every aspect of myself and fit neatly inside a box where everything is comfortable and put together.
Then the cycle perpetually moves full circle again and I can feel the box getting constrictive. It’s as if it is taunting me with the knowledge that beauty is often found in coloring outside of the lines. And so it begins again.
I have sought counsel on this topic. I have spent nights worrying that I am flawed or unable to make a decision on who I want to be. I have doubted my ability to stay focused or keep my eye on the prize. Through all of these conflicting emotions I have found this.
We are all humans full of doubt. We are also all humans that are full of a deeper understanding of who we are that is within us already. We can access this inner understanding of all that is true if we choose to.
While I may find it exhausting at times to toggle back and forth between structure and spontaneity, what a beautiful reality that it actually is. To have the ability to see life full of different lenses, sometimes full of vibrant color and other times full of a steady black and white, I know this is a gift that I get to encompass and live fully into in order to be the light in which I was made to be.
We can be both. We can hold our heads up high, walk proudly forward, regardless if that is in the perfectly designed structure we create or if it is in the spontaneous nights and weeks where we don’t do things the way we tell ourselves we “should”.
For me, when I truly believe and acknowledge that all that I want to be, all that I am destined to be, is within me already, I realize the power I have over joy in my life. It’s there for me to access, I just have to trust in the beauty of being a person that is both structured and spontaneous. I just have to see that within me, for specific reason, is both a person that longs for steadiness in a world that seems to be floating away, and ALSO is a person that often times enjoys floating right along side it. A person full of wonder and inquisitiveness of what else is out there. I am both. I get to have access to both of these beautiful attributes that are within me already, both of these are what bring me joy.
We have choices, every day, to be the person we desire to be. My example is only one of many conflicting desires that we all have. Staying true to our inner voices, setting boundaries with other people that have their own opinions, holding tightly to our truths, and staying committed to showing up, even when we feel flawed, even when it is scary, even when we feel like we have conflicting thoughts or emotions on life or our choices we make, is our beauty to unravel.
We must show up and choose the joy that is inside of us, consistently only a thought away. When we hold steady and remember that every conflicting part of ourselves is perfect in it’s own right, the joy of being who we were made to be will flourish.
It’s a crazy life, I’m all in.
Perpetual Emergence 