I feel like I have forgotten something.
That feeling that gnaws at your subconscious
like there’s just something missing.
I’m desperate to find it,
but I seem to have forgotten what it is.
Or maybe…
who she is.
Maybe this feeling that won’t go away
is me
begging me to stay,
or, more importantly, to return.
Did you leave,
or did I?
I’m not sure where I lost her
if it was a slow fade,
or a clean break.
Did I kiss you goodbye, my love?
Or did you feel abandoned?
I ponder this now
as I am desperate to hear your voice,
to see your eyes shine
with me in them.
I am searching within
to understand.
You deserve that, my love.
Maybe it will ease your mind,
to understand.
Or so I want to believe.
Would it help for me to find a reason?
Would it help if I said it was never about you?
Or perhaps,
logic isn’t the answer.
The reasons behind others actions,
a mere distraction
from what matters most.
We get lost in the analyzing
perhaps it is a way of self-abandoning.
To focus on the reason, rather than the actions
I can’t remember
when the mirror
stopped reflecting.
So maybe, just maybe,
the answers I am seeking
are only for me
to understand.
You see,
I am scared I can’t find an answer.
Maybe that’s my ultimate fear…
scared that I can’t trust myself,
scared that I will never be seen
until I see myself.
My eyes,
with all their beauty
and wisdom.
Every ounce that spills out of me,
because it has been within me
the whole time.
Apprehension
that none of it
has ever been real.
Scared that the bad I feel within
will hurt you in the end.
And so I ran,
trying to find myself.
I looked to others
to fill the void,
to make me feel good
and not bad.
To numb the hurt that I feel.
Distractions, and roads, and vices, and chaos.
Rivers that I would hop on,
hoping to find my way back to you.
Or so I told myself.
I could see you on the shore,
dipping your feet in.
You looked lost.
So I ran.
I heard the voice within myself
whispering to look back
so I turned the music up
a little louder.
Intuition, they say,
will lead you home.
When did intuition
start to feel mythical?
There’s that feeling again
that makes me want to run.
“Attention,” they say.
“You are doing it for attention.”
Is that true, my love?
Attention and connection
confused by the dance,
earnestly trying
not to step on each other’s feet.
Is attention a basic need,
or inherently bad?
Is connection the only thing that is real
in this crazy, beautiful journey?
or is it the rivers
and the mountains
that brought me back to you?
The views carry the weight of reality
in a mirage of false recognitions,
and cities that move so fast
we don’t know where to start.
It has always been you.
No matter what others see or feel
your worth
is not wrapped up in noise,
but instead
peace,
in all your flaws.
So here I am, my love
ready to get to know you again
with no false promises,
that we won’t stumble once again.
Because now we know,
that it is not the branch we trust when we land
because if the branch breaks once again,
we have the wings to fly away together.
Perpetual Emergence 